What Autistic Traits Do I Have?
I, one, me, moi, myself, him over-here is a complicated creature of obsessive habits and other traits that identify as having Autism Spectrum Disorder. In a perfect multicultural world it would not matter. But this tired sad old planet is a bit battered around the edges, so it is full of difficult judgemental humans who all insist only they as I, one, me, moi, myself, him-her-person over-there is only right! There is no right way. The traits that I am going to discuss are very normal human behaviours that are intensified in autistic people like me. It is an education to understand what autism is for one-person telling it as it is as there are set-in-the-mud stereotypical views of autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that, a spectrum from brilliantly clever to thick-as-a-brick, just like everybody else.
The differences start with emotional reactions, include intense sensitivities and extreme ways that can lead to complicated health issues, and spin out into difficulties understanding how life moves along. I am not a programmable robot with certain predispositions: I have a lack of empathy, I have a lack of guilt, and I have a lack of jealousy. All-important emotions to make human connections. Rather I have rich deep feelings that work in different contexts and made growing up stressful and confusing. It is the vulgar and the refined to think how wide a difference! To think the difference will still continue to others, yet we lie beyond the difference. I have the pleasure from looking at the sky. I have pleasure from art. I do enjoy myself in a city or on country roads. Many things that neurotypicals might do as they also flow onward to others; you and I flow onward. However, in due time, I shall take less interest in them as I take up another obsession. When I do not understand those emotions very well is the stuff of stories on vlogs.
I can go crazy and can get extremely angry in certain times when unfairness rules my bones, such transgressions of other’s lies, bad behaviour, and tittle-tattle. So many people see me coming and ignore my requests or misuse my goodwill. Otherwise, I mask but actually I do not care, and I am not being mean. It the way my brain works in different wiring and action centres exploding! Some emotions do not exist for me. I appear as a cold-heartless bastard to some because it is ridiculously hard for me to have any kind of empathy to someone that I do not know, wherever, whoever, whatever they be. Mind you, I find emotional over-kill precludes good judgement. Videos about the abuse of humans and animals makes me angry because I want the perpetrators punished! Made worse because my father abused me, so much belting and punching me from six-years old, I want to get those fools and hurt them as I was. This is my processing of beings being hurt. I am not in it for them, I want justice served. The issue is clear cut, black and white, hurt the perpetrator, not for the humans and animals, but for what they did wrong. Consciousness distances us from nothing. Confusing for many. You treat a living thing well or you suffer because you did not. But I am straight-forward so do not lie to me, I know how people believe stories, myths, and legends because that is the way they want life to be – I cannot be kind to such people.
I am in two minds; I am half autistic and half not. It just seems what you cannot understand in a person like me is that I probably appear to be a perfectly good working mature male until you hit the naïve behaviour of a child. People think I am weird or so amusing with my childlike behaviour. I have two personalities without the schizophrenia. So, I am excluded from grown-up acceptance, and given menial work well below my ability to get the post-graduate degree with academic awards which I have. So, I have never for long be accepted as part of a group because like the element Sodium hitting water there will inevitably be consequences. I do not know if I am, if they are, really friends? My experience always has been that emotionally I do not connect to or feel or can appropriately express things in the correct situations. My manners guidebook is out of date and missing pages on certain etiquette. Oh! I can be funny; it is a mask for my insecurity. Most times I am off-track. But what is true is that good literature and interesting art does not grow in tranquil times and as artists are always children at heart, then artistic types will be challenged every day.
Other traits that I have, and I am trying to remember them because things blur together, and I forget things. My short-term memory is horrible. Try giving me a number-code over the phone quickly and I will find out where you live and insult your grandmother. Daily, there is struggling with change; I struggle to break out of an emotional state. Fortunately, I have an incredibly long-term memory and an adaptive imagination. I can look at blank things and see stuff, pictures appear, sculptures are made, swirling abstract shapes turn solid and become recognizable forms. I remember at three to four years old I was sitting with teddy in a small water-filled canvas swimming pool who never was the same again. I have no temperature regulation of hot and cold. I could be extremely cold and be turning blue or toasting right into skin cancer. My skin burns so easily, and I am always shedding skin. I always just seem to be hot regardless of the weather. My body is sensitive to different types of fabrics and stuff. Itchy and scratchy are Simpson’s cartoons not a desired designer cloth. So many bad clothing purchases made. What will be, will be well—for what is, is well. A perfect mess is okay, coping with this disorder is living. Food is the same. To like some textures, but have sensitivity to some foodstuff that others slurp and slop over can wreck a meal for me. So, I just ate a little of some foods to fit in because everyone else was doing so, I cringe at the noises of eating? It sounds creepy, more about noises later. Social eating with strangers caused me considerable anxiety as did the food, now I do not eat out. One tends to eat remarkably similar stuff over a week, and it is mostly vegetarian. All my sensitivities has aggravated and compromised my immune system; I am never really well.
Another big thing for me that is I am lousy at executive-functioning, especially around planning long-term budgets. To take interest is well, and not to take interest shall be well. I do not think about what bills might be on the way and planning for a future is – there is a future? I do not think about you know what else I might need that money for. However, caring for pets and ill people during the AIDS crisis reminded me of a life outside of mine or what is happening in the next month. Although it became exceedingly difficult for me to balance and control my impulse spending, but lessons are learnt. OVERLOAD is the problem here, if there is too much going on I need to find soothing things, or I have a meltdown. Collecting stuff becomes more than a hobby; it the reason to be alive until one becomes sick of it and I move onto another thing. Better to have a special interest or for Aspies an obsession. Luckily, although some of my art practice has been stymied by my inability to communicate with difficult people, I still work at it. I paint, draw, illustrate, doodle, ink, finger-paint, varnish, design, photograph, study, appropriate, critique, colour, and feel my way through my obsessive trait. There is an attraction to uncommon interests, I notice different stuff and my hyper-focus made me good at academia.
My social life has been quite difficult because I dislike pointless small talk and people do not like my more direct approach. People bother me who do not think deeply; I initiate passionate thought processes. Although I have black and white thinking: on, off, stay, leave, grow, diminish, eat, starve, like, hate, try, fail, give, take, tomorrow or never. Nevertheless, it is an extremely logical point of view in a grey world and what that means is that if you are illogical, hysterical, patronizing, overbearing, manipulative, needy, or simply crazy – I do not stop to smell the roses with you. A lot of frustration results which fuels my soothing, obsessions, and stimming. As a kid I was a head-banger and a spinner, later I developed anorexia nervosa, I would go weeks without food. There is no subtlety I do stuff; my expressions often drop like a lead albatross. I am telling it as I see it, a quicker route to get information or demands out. Many see me coming with the blank stare of defiance. ‘Mr Burton has Asperger’s and he know what he needs, best not to argue.’ From a noticeably young age I was clearly obsessed with getting my own way, even though I could not clearly articulate in the early years. Autistic children are fundamentally less interested in social engagement. Once even my belting father acknowledged hitting me as commanded by my mad mother was useless, although he obliged anyway. Other kids did not like me. I ended up alone because I was deemed sarcastic when I was being direct. I did what I said and impressed some teachers, so I made jealous enemies. My mother would overload me with household chores to stop me studying. Later and now, work and study happens a lot at night so, I have always been a night-owl. It is quieter and I can play my low-volume Trance music which soothes me.
Loud noises, whether background or in-my-face will create a meltdown. When feeling angry, it has been observed that the person with Asperger’s syndrome does not appear to be able to pause and think of alternative strategies to resolve the situation. I will act instantaneously; my physical response is without any thought of my wellbeing. So neighbours will be confronted over noise as I see it as an incursion into my space. Leaf-blowers, revving car engines, whips snapping (yes, I do not kid you, this is Australia), out-of-control-screaming kids, domestic disputes, badly maintained lawn mowers, unexpected parties, backyard radios, drunken language, broken pool pumps, and loud-you will have a scene YOU did not expect created! I collect information, confront, call police, and make enemies. Tough! Think I care? Did they consider me? I have never lost a fight over noise because there are State and council bylaws – noise is pollution. Nevertheless, it remains a daily concern that requires noise-cancelling earphones and distractions. If there is a bodily thing that for me defines my autism it is my sensitivity to noise; something I know from experience does not bother others. However, being touched physically without warning also rates high, as are suggestions of hugs, and I despise kiss-kissy people. Do not play that game with autistic people, it is cruel.
So, who am I? An aging man on the Autism Spectrum who is less concerned about how life will end then trying to cope with others. Someone who feels different, alien. Something has been missing with my relating – that is the nature of my condition. So I worry about not being believed as not understanding the dynamics of frustrating situations creates confusion. I do not like getting upset at situations I know other people do not get upset about. What do you want from me?I have certain intellectual abilities at the expense and to the detriment of other abilities, but who has the full package? Always on my best behaviour I earn points for endurance because with all the disasters of my life I am hypervigilant. Someone said I was not a walking pathology, but I am. Denying it does what so many others have done to me, abandoned me because it is too much to cope with. I am a survivor of so much abuse that it makes an alarming list and I did not go to a war zone. My life was that zone. I have found the right mix of a skill set to endure. I know how to ask for help, albeit with boundaries. I have interests to keep me busy. My days and nights are full. Aspies seem to know how to use time well, our gift to others.