I am mean, lean, and seldom seen.
Although I was never ever very sociable, I was livelier when I was younger. Then depression and post-traumatic stress disorder became complicated and hurt my later life. I am hypervigilant and self-isolating. I spend much time alone however I am not lonely, and I understand why others can be affected by loneliness because I understand the nuances of it. When good friends grow apart can cause serious disturbance and loneliness in a person and many other relationships that were secondary to it. Everyone who has some sincerity experiences it and it can hurt like a bad burn. Often it may involve physical reasons like people moving away, or even death and especially if one is left out of the loop and distanced from the person’s final hours or days. Loneliness seems overwhelming when really it makes us realize what and who is important. Frankly, I could not wait to be rid of some people while others set off from their own volition leaving me alone. Because sometimes one gives up on people not because one does not care, but because they do not. However, I have noticed people complaining about their loneliness on social media which I find odd, and it seems newsworthy as a topic which suggests there is a lack of imagination being used. How are you alone on social media? What happened to saying hello to interesting people? In my day, one found a place to live, some work to pay the rent, and then looked for some company. What has changed? Are people so fragile now? Some may even feel lonelier due to their decisions, like leaving a bad relationship or terrible family dynamic. I did. So, loneliness can be awful but quick fixes can be worse. I have been there, and I made my mistakes and now I live well with it. One’s awareness is moved, and life can be more real. Here are some observations and suggestions from this older and wiser warrior.
Be wary about being impulsive which for me is difficult because people with my type of autism are hard wired with impulsivity; it is a reaction to anxiety. Sometimes certain social situations appear threatening to me and my aspie mind is overwhelmed so I cannot engage and may walk away to the harsh judgements of others. I get sick of masking for neurotypicals. Also being intractable and unable to be persuaded makes up my stubbornness and it has protected me from some dangerous people. However, before those lock in, I engaged in escape behaviours like eating, or shopping to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of isolation. Certainly, such behaviours beget only short-term relief with regretful outcomes. Mindfulness is the key. Using the frontal lobe to intelligently work out what can be done to alleviate the problem rather than being instinctively reactive, or overly emotional like the manipulators around one. Here to is my obsessive need to overwork, an aspie trait, which led me to be used and abused from unreasonable demands and expectations. So, be reasonable with yourself and expect others to be so. If they are not then the implacable me emerges, I can seem mean and aloof to people who think their manipulations and intrusions are harmless because they are blind to their indiscretions. I am frequently triggered by certain insensitivities that disregard my autism like others moving in close, or intruding, being loud, being pushy, or mocking my speech and movements. However, I do not think you have to be autistic to repel these intrusive behaviours.
We began life totally dependent on others and that was not always fun if you had a dysfunctional family. Past hoping for food, water, warmth, and shelter we may bond with useless parents until we know better. I was never forgiven by those that had no clue about my mother’s schizophrenia and my father’s severe depression and violence is why I rejected my parents. There was no aid or intervention to maintain a secure bond. The family band failed early, and we all went our separate ways which upset people whose business it was not. However, the emotional distress of being left alone is alarming and motivates us to draw others close and hold on. Man! Did I collect some crocks along the way. As kids, we were clingy to protect ourselves, or else they would abandon us which my parents did. My father died during my teens and my mother left her school age children to have an affair, something she would deny to her death. Traumatised children tend to make traumatised adults. The attachment alarm will be set off by the departure of lovers, colleagues, or even important services or people like doctors, shops, or neighbours. Their absence makes us small and vulnerable again. We are dead in some way. Unfortunately some adults fear being alone rather than apply some imagination to dealing with their present state. Instead of wisely pruning the deadwood, they leash out causing real harm through malicious gossip or terrible behaviour. Letting go of useless stuff, bad habits, and unhealthy relationships is good housekeeping. The past is just that, put it into perspective and move on. Sometimes difficult so apply mental muscle as mindfulness.
Thinking we can prevent unpleasant things from recurring by burrowing deeper and deeper into our minds or boring others with the need to know why life changes is pointless. Blaming others is worse because it becomes rumination. Something as an Autistic person I know about, as ruminating is a characteristic as with many repetitive behaviours in my makeup. All it does is to focus our limitations and patterns of relating that do not work. It is a can of worms. Understand and research the psychological term, cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes and is the basis for so much mental illness, so do not go there! Also avoid trespassing on other’s boundaries by acting as proxies to situations that is not your business. This has happened by the intrusive nature of unfettered social and mass media using malicious gossiping and hearsay to harass and demean targets. It invariably places the proxy into their own lonely, isolated place rather than putting anyone else into theirs. Unfortunately, some undisciplined people must talk regardless, the inane chatter is a replacement for thoughtfulness. Better is to consider what can one do next? Being authentic is important particularly using social media because I think, is it loneliness when people say that, or the tiredness from living a lie? If you will not stop pretending, you are looking for a glass slipper then the world will never be real for you. So is taking things out of context as personal insults which shows a lack of maturity.
We need time alone to ponder big life changes. Not finding that time in solitude may cloud the realizations we need to find because we are constantly with others. Having to deal with overbearing others will diminish your ability to find one’s own path. Often recurring intrusive thoughts from bad experiences flare up in me at inappropriate times because of past trauma caused by these bullies. Being oneself and being brave and standing for what you believe in is tough. Others will be afraid and interfere, but they are not your friends. No one who has tried to interfere with my will power has survived in my life, even though I felt lonely at the time. I have jumped across impossible ravines to crash and burn on my own terms because in the end I take responsibility for my choices. So many have believed they had the solutions to my dilemmas when it was clear they had no control on their own problems or were not honest about their agendas. Looking back at the long periods of isolation in my life, I was trusting myself although I never understood it then. Time alone was needed to allow stuff and people to enter my life. I need to be alone to think and walk long distances to sort ideas and problems out.
Expecting others to be everything to us is childish and opens us to abuse. We must take care of ourselves and manage our emotions as adults. To be separate is the essential nature of our lives and is reflected in the hugeness of the cosmos. Extra-terrestrial life is still a mystery to us. Humans may need those that can quell feelings of loneliness to explore space for years at a stretch. Others will never fill the needs we have, and we all know someone who is never happy. Their neediness makes me cringe, but they attract enablers who cause more harm. Manners matter in creating cordial relationships and this is certainly true on social media. Rude people will hide behind the distance of the digital wall, but they will offend in their physical contacts too. For years, I tolerated the injustices of rude people because I was commercially or otherwise involved with them. Eventually the scales and veils drop and with great protestations they try to argue it was all for your own good! Friendships can never be built on bad behaviour. Gossiping about people you want in your lives is cruel and underpins a need to manipulate. Families are destroyed by it.
I have met some nice people on social media and some awful people too. We can connect with others not from desperation, but from deeply knowing and accepting ourselves and our vulnerabilities. So that I can reach out to others when I feel lonely without needing or expecting them to relieve it. Friendship requires having certain virtues, including those of reciprocity, empathy, self-knowledge, and participating in a shared life. Throughout time, communities would spring up around places of spiritual significance, trading places, sports events, workplaces, and later educational institutions. Intrinsic to this is considering the shared values along class, gender, and ethnic lines. It is unwise to suggest that in the days before digital age of online friendship, people drew their friends from all walks of life. It is very unwise to believe that chalk and cheese works well. If you do not have obvious shared interests, you will deplete the good will that brought you together; desperate and, or disparate will disappoint. I had phone friends at distance in the nineties before digital technology was a thing, it seemed quite natural. I had pen pals for over twenty years with people I never met. There is nothing peculiar in making friends purely online in some digital format. So, how can one be lonely? If one is authentic and there are shared interests and values, then one will have all the friends one needs, anything else is up for negotiation. Considering the numbers of humans in the digital interface it is impossible to be alone.
Right now, billions of people are feeling lonely. Everyone is part of the club. About half of the world’s population uses the internet so now one is never truly alone in one’s loneliness. An opportunity to share some compassion, empathy, and acknowledgement of all the suffering, including loneliness that humans create becomes the basis for connection. However let us not become too sentimental about this. Some people are so mentally disturbed that time spent with them is time wasted. Behaving as though your brain is still formative, like a child, or demanding attention like one will not get you what you want. Gaslighting and other psychological manipulations should get you banned! So should taking up the anti-woke right wing banner. Since when did blind discrimination become alright? People who engage in the war on wokeness are invariably crooks, mean-spirited, certainly hypocrites, sometimes stupid, or lack the courage and foresight to handle the differences in others. They never learn from history. As an autism advocate, I am sensitive to my needs to be accepted being turned into a battle zone. The use of the term autistic terrorist is appalling because you may feel uncomfortable with my responses or lack of. These days I have become more self-assured, and independent of the needs of others. Time wasters are not welcome, drop in long distant relatives or out of touch friends are not welcome, rude pushy types are certainly not welcome. How do some people manage to have no civil manners? I have learnt to say less, and use and devour less stuff, not worry about needing to present an unreal glamorous image; I am mean, lean, and seldom seen.
